Chill the F*** Out

Coping with anxiety can often be a staid, tiring endeavor, and it helps to occasionally take a lighter approach. To that end, I give you this entry from one of my favorite blogs, Dear Coke Talk.

A woman writes in lamenting about her new boyfriend and some of the feelings that she’s experiencing.

My boyfriend and I are in what I suppose would be considered a “serious relationship.” I don’t date a lot, only had one other “real” relationship and it was a joke compared to what I have now. I have never felt better about myself, what I’m doing in my life, or where my life is headed. Even though I’m a college senior and about to jump into a life of uncertainty when I’m a person who hates change, I’m excited about what will happen to me and to us.

And:

Is it egotistical of me to think that after three months of a relationship he’s seriously considering our future together? After all, we talk about how we would raise kids and even looked at engagement rings (in what I thought was just a goofy moment).

Pretty typical stuff, right? And those of us with anxiety issues should immediately recognize a key phrase used by the reader. Did you spot it?

Dear Coke Talk did:

Okay, I need to read between the lines for a second. When you say “I’m a person who hates change,” what you really mean is “I’m a magnificent control freak.”

Also, when you say “I’m excited about what will happen to me,” what you really mean is “I’m terrified of the gigantic spinning fireball known as adulthood hurtling toward me at incredible speed.”

I point this out because it’s key to what’s going on here. You’re anxious about the future, and all of this silly flirtation with notions of marriage is merely is a coping mechanism for dealing with your crippling fear of uncertainty.

Bingo!

The rest of her response is equally precious. This passage stands out:

I know I’m stepping outside the boundary of the question here, but this next bit of advice doesn’t just apply to your relationship: don’t be in such a rush to play it so damned safe.

I know you can’t wait to be a music teacher and a stay-at-home mom, but why not start a fucking band first? You’ve got your whole life to drive minivans and vote for Sarah Palin. Go do something wild before settling down.

Go conquer your fear of uncertainty. Go spend some time experimenting with the human condition. Go have your own personal rumspringa and only come back when you know you’re ready.

Come on, you’ve got the soul of an artist. I don’t want you to regret not having any crazy stories to tell your grandkids.

Good advice for us all.

Can Yoga Help Workplace Stress & Anxiety?

With the often relentless pace at work, it’s sometimes difficult to carve out even a half-hour for lunch. Stepping away for 20-30 minutes to have a bite to eat, stretch my legs, and just get away from the workplace energy for a little while can be helpful in reducing those feelings of stress and anxiety that slowly surround me like a misty fog.

So when I read about this study that included guided workplace yoga and meditation to help with stress relief, my first thought was, “Where do I sign up?”, although I’m unsure that anyone wants to see me in full downward facing dog while wearing my Dockers.

I’ve written before about the benefits of mindfulness-based stress reduction therapy, most notably here and here. Conceptually, being able to recognize and be aware of your stressful, anxious state is the first step toward doing something about it. Over time, I learned breathing and relaxation techniques that can be put into use in just about any situation, at any time, the result being a more relaxed, unstressed version of me.

The study, conducted at the Ohio State University here in Columbus, was specifically designed for office worker types wearing business apparel, and involved an hour meeting once a week during lunch, plus 20 minutes per day of yoga and meditation performed at the subject’s desks. The results were impressive:

Mindful attention awareness increased significantly and perceived stress decreased significantly among the intervention group when compared to the control group’s responses. Overall sleep quality increased in both groups, but three of seven components of sleep were more affected in the intervention group.

On average, mindfulness increased by about 9.7 percent and perceived stress decreased by about 11 percent among the group that experienced the intervention. These participants also reported that it took them less time to fall asleep, they had fewer sleep disturbances and they experienced less daytime dysfunction than did members of the non-intervention group.

Two things jump out at me from this study – one, that simply being exposed to the concept of mindfulness, becoming aware of what you are feeling and why, is enormously beneficial. Secondly, there is an amazing sense of empowerment that comes from having effective tools, like yoga and meditation, to help address the stress and anxiety, and feeling better even a little bit can help spur you on, which can lead to even more effective results.

If you would like to know more about the study, you can read the full details at Anxiety Insights. Go forth and unwind those tight muscles and loosen that tense mind!

Welcoming and Releasing Emotions

Urban Monk has a powerful piece on the practice of dealing with our emotions rather than living a life of avoidance. As noted in the article, we tend to avoid people and situations that cause us pain and discomfort, because why put yourself in those situations if you don’t have to?

In our internal world, however, that does us more harm than good. It isn’t until we’re willing to face our pain and troubling thoughts that we begin to understand them and work through them to obtain a measure of peace.

The three steps outlined in the posting – awareness, relax into the raw emotion, and bypassing the mind, are pretty familiar to anyone who has ever experienced exposure therapy or engaged in any sort of meditation. From my perspective, it can be boiled down into one word – feel.

When we choose to feel, rather than think, rationalize, intellectualize – insert your favorite -ize here – we’re getting down to our raw base. Some people call it inviting the emotion in, and they facilitate it by naming what they are feeling out loud.

Pain, come in and walk around – I won’t push you away or hide from you. I’ll let myself be awash in you. All creatures feel pain. It’s okay.

Sadness, my old friend, good to see you again. Come sit with me and get soggy from my tears as I allow myself to acknowledge your presence and understand that it’s normal to feel you. You don’t last forever.

Fear, you’re intruding into my life, as you often do, so rather than wrestling with you, fighting and grappling in an intellectual cage match, I’m going to let you swirl around a bit, knowing that you have no stamina, and that you will soon pass and allow me to focus on more meaningful things.

It can be difficult to embrace and understand your emotions if you’ve been avoiding them for a time. In addition to how you react in your brain, what physical symptoms do various emotions cause?

Muscle tension is a good one for fear or panic, along with rapid pulse, increased rate of breathing, perhaps some dizziness or disorientation. Recognizing them, calling them out, is a good way to label them for what they are – physical manifestations of emotional reaction, temporary in nature, and not indicative of anything else. No pending heart attack or stroke, just your body physically reacting to emotions that you haven’t spent much time with lately.

My experience has been that once I welcomed these emotions, embraced them, named them, understood them, and let them flow through me, two distinct patterns emerged. First, the racing mind and physical symptoms tended to be less severe and the amount of time they lasted became less and less. Secondly, I found myself  with less apprehension about them when there was a possibility that they would occur. Since I knew what they are, what they did, and that I was able to acknowledge and embrace them, they lost all mystery and negative connotation. In the words of our friends from The Sopranos, it is what it is.

So I encourage you to stop avoiding your emotional side and send it an invitation to sit down for a chat. Buy it a cup of coffee or an herbal tea. Know that viewing your emotions as a necessary part of yourself that’s needed to make you a whole being should make it easier to make friends with your emotions, and learn to benefit from the lessons they hold.

We don’t always need to think and analyze and dissect. Sometimes, it’s best to just sit back and feel.

Core Practice: Welcoming and Releasing Emotions, via Urban Monk

Mindful Parenting

Over at his Psychology Today blog, Jonathan Kaplan has quite the essay on how the Buddhist concept of mindfulness can help you be a better parent.

Anyone who has been around small children can tell you that achieving the perfect alignment between what the adult thinks should be happening and what the child wants to happen is nearly impossible. That doesn’t stop a lot of parents from trying to force this convergence via sheer force of will, or failing that, misdirection and/or manipulation. More often than not, frustration sets in for the parent, the child, or both.

In Jonathan’s case, he attempts to get his two year old son to help decide on what he would like on his daycare blanket, but is repeatedly thwarted by his son’s focus on trains, apple juice, and jumping on the bed. Who can blame him? Jumping on the bed is awesome!

Jonathan shares one of his lessons learned:

Fortunately, I learned a few things from this experience. First, parenting can be a quite a fruitful area for informal mindfulness practice. At a conference recently, Jon and Myla Kabat-Zinn described parenting as an “18 year retreat.” They noted how kids “push our buttons”, which can prompt us to react negatively. As Myla stated, “Sometimes, we don’t live love. We live fear and anxiety and the thoughts that take over us.” In this instance, I started to feel anxious about my son’s unhelpful replies and became lost in my own reactions. By seeing this circumstance as problematic and trying to fix it, I unfortunately missed out on some fun play time.

That’s a lightning bolt observation for me – “Sometimes, we don’t live love. We live fear and anxiety and the thoughts that take over us.” Being present, being mindful, especially when it comes to family, was a huge struggle for me, as I detailed in my postings The Struggle To Be Present and Teaching A Kid To Listen .

As I worked through becoming more mindful and present, it was readily apparent that my parenting style was undergoing a tweaking. Rather than becoming frustrated in dealing with my young son, I began to look at things from his perspective more, and the key question I started to ask myself during these sorts of situations was if what I was wanting him to do was important, or if it was only important to me.

More often than not, the latter was true, and that’s just plain silly. As noted in Jonathan’s essay, I was missing out on wide swaths of my child’s experiences because of my narrow focus on achieving the goal at hand. Kids take a very circuitous route through life, much like a butterfly fluttering around a meadow, and that’s part of the beauty of youth. I should encourage that, not restrict it, either knowingly or unconsciously.

Extrapolating that even further, if I was caught in this pattern with parenting, undoubtedly it was applicable in other aspects of my life. So, by practicing mindfulness in all aspects of my day-to-day interactions, I would be appropriately focused. Parenting turned into a daily reminder and exercise.

It’s also a good prompt to see and interact with our kids as they are, not how we want them to be, or how we see them to be. It’s easy to fall into the trap of viewing everything through a parental filter, and then all events and decisions downstream are based on clouded, unrealistic information.

Letting Go of Expectations: A Lesson in Mindful Parenting

Living a Happy, Anxious Life

Paul, over at AnxietyGuru, asks the question, “Can You Live A Happy Anxious Life?”

It’s an interesting question, and I had to sit down for awhile and think about what my answer would be.

Paul posits:

Relative happiness is the kind you get when you buy something, say shoes or a motorcycle or whatever. It is temporary and subject to the whims of external change. Whereas inner happiness is yours no matter what, like all those fabulous bits of information you learned in school that you can’t use anywhere else, but yours they are.

I’m talking about inner peace and happiness. Now, admittedly you can be a Buddhist monk and never get there, but you can if you try. The fact that you can try should be, I hope, a signal that you can do more to be happy than you’re doing right now.

Dictionary.com has the following entry under happy:

1.         delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing: to be happy to see a person.

2.         characterized by or indicative of pleasure, contentment, or joy: a happy mood; a happy frame of mind.

3.         favored by fortune; fortunate or lucky: a happy, fruitful land.

4.         apt or felicitous, as actions, utterances, or ideas.

5.         obsessed by or quick to use the item indicated (usually used in combination): a trigger-happy gangster. Everybody is gadget-happy these days.

Anxiety, by the very nature of its presence, makes it difficult to achieve #3, since we anxious folk are generally skeptical of fortune or luck. But if we use #2 as our guiding light, which is what I think Paul was doing, then the answer is a resounding yes.

One of the very best things I learned in my treatment was to acknowledge and embrace the reality that things happen that are out of my control, and all of those years of pre-planning and proactive worrying didn’t change that a bit. It certainly gave me the illusion that nothing would go wrong, or if it did, I would be able to rapidly respond to the crisis. But it burned up energy and time for no good reason.

The downside of that – well, there were scores of downsides, but this is one of them – was that I was never in the moment during those times, because my mind and my emotions were perpetually skewed toward scanning the horizon for the next bad thing.

Once I began to let myself be present in the moment and feel the emotion that was appropriate for that snapshot in time, it became much easier to feel happy in an enjoyable way, not in the “if I let myself feel joy or peace, it will be crushing when it ends, because it always does” manner of my high anxiety years.

So when I stop to think about the things that make me happy, it’s much easier now to have clarity around what that means. I find great joy in time spent with my family, and I now allow this sense of calm, contentment, and happiness to wash over me like a waterfall, soaking me for as long as possible. Will this moment end, and will I eventually dry off again? Of course. But for that moment, that hour, that day, I’m drenched and soggy, which feels so much better than before.

I would call out these instances, these events, as reminders of my happiness, not happiness itself. I’m not engaged in some zero-sum game anymore, where I need to track and measure my level of joy, peace, and tranquility. I’m just me, a pretty happy guy, who often gets reminded of my happiness by people, places, and things. Other times, things don’t go as well, and rather than dwell on that, I seek out those very same people, places, and things that I know will keep me going until the dark cloud of anxiety passes over me.

No Holding Back the Tears

Wednesday night was “graduation” night at my son’s Montessori school, where parents, grandparents, friends, and family pack into the gym and celebrate educational milestones such as moving from kindergarten to lower elementary, lower elementary to upper, becoming big-kids-on-campus by heading to middle school, and finally, the 8th graders departing as they head out for their high school experience.

It’s nice that they celebrate important transitions such as these, and it really builds a sense of community and continuity. The mere fact that an eight year old wants to go sit in the gym for an hour for this demonstrates how much the kids benefit from the event.

It’s Useful to Have a Duck

In dealing with anxiety, it’s easy to begin feeling like you’re in some strange psychological solitude, alone with your struggles. Family, friends, and co-workers will do their best to empathize with your disorder, but unless you’ve experienced panic and anxiety, it can be quite difficult to understand.

Looking at things from different perspectives can be helpful, not only to put a new spin on an old condition, but also to try and gain an awareness of how others may view you. This can assist in building your toolbox of compensating controls and coping mechanisms.

Back when I was learning how to be an effective trainer, one of the instructors shared with me an approach to understand adult learning behaviors – “Adults are just babies with big heads.” What he was referencing is that people tend to follow the same paths to learning their entire lives, and you can leverage some basic teaching fundamentals from cradle to grave.

That said, getting additional exposure to the concepts of empathy and putting yourself in the shoes of others is a wonderful way of continuing your personal growth, since we’re all interconnected in some way and often we effect other people without knowing it, just as they effect us.

If your boss has an argument with their spouse the night before, they could be cranky in dealing with you the next day, and you might pay that annoyance forward when you’re home at dinner with your significant other. So, your best friend and life partner gets bitched at because your boss fought with their spouse the night before. Classic!

Which brings me to It’s Useful to Have a Duck, an English translation of a Spanish-language book for children.

Via BoingBoing:

It’s an accordion-fold book that you can read from either end — read from front to back, it tells the story of a boy who found a rubber duck that he loves but uses roughly, sitting on it, drying his ears with it and leaving it in the plug-hole when he’s done with his bath. Read back to front, though, the story becomes “It’s Useful to Have a Boy,” and it tells the same story from the duck’s perspective — the boy “rubs my back,” “waxes my beak” and when its all done, the duck finds “my little sleeping hole.”

This would be an excellent book to help your youngsters embrace the concept of empathy, and it’s not a bad refresher for adults, either!

It’s Useful to Have a Duck

Riding the “E” Train – Mindfulness of Emotions

Jonathan Kaplan, Ph.D., writing in his Psychology Today blog, digs a little deeper into the concept of being aware of your emotional state.

Equating it to a subway train approaching and then zooming past, Kaplan discusses how emotion rises to a peak, like the train coming on fast, and then subsides. He then provides a detailed exercise to use as a tool to recognizing emotional peaks and valleys.

It’s really part of the holistic approach to emotion that we discuss here from time to time, along with the linkage we attempt to establish between emotional and physical response.

Riding the “E” Train: Mindfulness of Emotions