Chill the F*** Out

Coping with anxiety can often be a staid, tiring endeavor, and it helps to occasionally take a lighter approach. To that end, I give you this entry from one of my favorite blogs, Dear Coke Talk.

A woman writes in lamenting about her new boyfriend and some of the feelings that she’s experiencing.

My boyfriend and I are in what I suppose would be considered a “serious relationship.” I don’t date a lot, only had one other “real” relationship and it was a joke compared to what I have now. I have never felt better about myself, what I’m doing in my life, or where my life is headed. Even though I’m a college senior and about to jump into a life of uncertainty when I’m a person who hates change, I’m excited about what will happen to me and to us.

And:

Is it egotistical of me to think that after three months of a relationship he’s seriously considering our future together? After all, we talk about how we would raise kids and even looked at engagement rings (in what I thought was just a goofy moment).

Pretty typical stuff, right? And those of us with anxiety issues should immediately recognize a key phrase used by the reader. Did you spot it?

Dear Coke Talk did:

Okay, I need to read between the lines for a second. When you say “I’m a person who hates change,” what you really mean is “I’m a magnificent control freak.”

Also, when you say “I’m excited about what will happen to me,” what you really mean is “I’m terrified of the gigantic spinning fireball known as adulthood hurtling toward me at incredible speed.”

I point this out because it’s key to what’s going on here. You’re anxious about the future, and all of this silly flirtation with notions of marriage is merely is a coping mechanism for dealing with your crippling fear of uncertainty.

Bingo!

The rest of her response is equally precious. This passage stands out:

I know I’m stepping outside the boundary of the question here, but this next bit of advice doesn’t just apply to your relationship: don’t be in such a rush to play it so damned safe.

I know you can’t wait to be a music teacher and a stay-at-home mom, but why not start a fucking band first? You’ve got your whole life to drive minivans and vote for Sarah Palin. Go do something wild before settling down.

Go conquer your fear of uncertainty. Go spend some time experimenting with the human condition. Go have your own personal rumspringa and only come back when you know you’re ready.

Come on, you’ve got the soul of an artist. I don’t want you to regret not having any crazy stories to tell your grandkids.

Good advice for us all.

It Is What It Is

This may sound completely idiotic coming from an anxiety sufferer, but Murphy’s Law is generally correct. More often than not, things don’t go exactly as planned.

For the anxious control freaks among us, that’s like crack. What better way to get revved up and knee-deep in the drama surrounding something unanticipated than to slap a label on it? If things didn’t turn out like we thought they should, that’s bad. Right?

Or is it?

One of the big challenges I’ve faced over the years has been the struggle to accept things as they are, without assigning a value or judgment to them. Admittedly, that’s a difficult habit to break after 40 years. My natural response to something like stripping a bolt thread or dropping the eggs on the floor has been, “well, that sucks, dammit.” which obviously removes the need for a mind-reader to ascertain what I’m thinking at that moment.

Similarly, whining about how I wished this hadn’t happened, or feeling put upon (this always happens to me at the worst possible time) did nothing to change my situation or act to prevent something from going wrong in the future. The universe doesn’t work that way!

The world is an imperfect place. Screws fall out all the time. Why are we so surprised by this?

If anything, when something goes awry, I should take comfort in the realization that the universe is working exactly as designed. Things are supposed to break down, not work, or turn out poorly now and then. It’s my unrealistic expectation of perfection that’s the problem, not the egg yolks staining my socks.

When I moved into a new job about 18 months ago, it came with a different level of interaction with senior management, one that didn’t always make it easy to be heard or advocate for my programs. After a couple of frustrating weeks of trying to prepare and anticipate where the obstacles would pop up next, I decided to post a handy reminder on the cork board by my Cisco IP phone.

It is what it is.

Sounding like a phrase oft-uttered at the Bada-Bing club by Tony Soprano, it was the perfect cue to draw my focus away from getting caught up in making judgment calls about what was happening, or more importantly, who was causing it to happen. Rather, I began to deal with just the facts of the situation, without worrying if they were good or bad, happy or sad, positive or negative. It all depended on perspective after all – what seemed good to me was bad for someone else, and when we got caught up in trying to convince someone to change their position or outlook, we were missing the main point. It just was – so what do we do next?

Success has been mixed, but it’s important for me to stay engaged and focused, and when events occur, to not lament or wish things are different. They aren’t different. Everything is as it should be.

Image by KaroliK via flickr

Anxiety Can Lead to Gift Giving

When I was a kid, receiving gifts was a delightful process. The anticipation. The wondering. Tearing open the wrapping paper to discover what was inside, the end result (hopefully) bringing a squeal of joy. Good times.

As I got older, two things happened. First, receiving gifts lost some of their luster as I matured, and I found myself spending more time and effort in gift giving than gift receiving. Once you have a family, especially an extended family, gift giving becomes a much more involved matter. It’s easy to get caught up in the logistics of it all – who likes what, current sizes and color preferences, should it be educational in nature or frivolous? See – joy sucking stuff, when you approach it from that perspective.

Secondly, my anxiety took root and began to grow, manifesting itself in a number of ways, one of which was control. I thought, oddly enough, that if I kept track of things and asserted some measure of influence on them, I could somehow control the trajectory of human events. I could keep bad things from happening. Part of that implementation was to have great self-control, especially in areas involving emotion. If I could sort of straddle the middle ground of emotion, not allowing myself to feel great joy or great sorrow, then, I reasoned, I had a much better chance of managing the trickle that went down the middle. Silly, but a concept I endorsed for a very long time.

Obviously, when it seemed that something was out of my control, the anxiety would rise exponentially, kicking off the vicious cycle of which anxiety sufferers are entirely too familiar. The out-of-control feeling would intensify, sometimes to the point of panic, which of course was like shifting gears on a bicycle, allowing you to build up torque and speed.

A couple of years ago, before I received my anxiety disorder diagnosis, my wife needed to take a business trip to India, and that’s not a three-day event. She had been having some health issues of her own that the doctors just couldn’t figure out, and from time to time, she would be nearly incapacitated by abdominal pain that radiated to her lower back. The thought of her being halfway around the world was very unsettling, and her trip preparations were like Chinese water torture – drip, drip, drip as she got her passport, updated her inoculations, received her international cell phone, and took possession of her company-issued medical travel kit.

Hearing from her via telephone for the 9 days or so she was away did little to assuage my fears. Still in control-freak mode, I had rejected offers from family and friends for assistance while she was gone, which in retrospect was one part stubbornness and two parts self-pity, with a dash of “I’ll show you” thrown in. There was some passive-aggressive sniping at her before she left over minor things, and an insufferable lack of engagement with her as she described what she was experiencing during and after the trip. It was one of my lower points in several ways. I wasn’t proud of how I had dealt with it, but I wouldn’t think of admitting that, for fear of being seen as weak, so that sort of added to my self-loathing.

Fast forward a year – I was seeing a therapist finally, and she quite accurately diagnosed me with trauma-induced anxiety. I had only been in cognitive therapy for a couple of months when another trip to India came about, and the old feeling of panic and fear began to build. But things were different this time, as I had those 2-3 months of treatment behind me.

Dr. S had me do a couple of things that proved to be very beneficial. First, she made me voice my fears, not only to her, but also to my spouse, so that everyone had a similar understanding of what was driving my reactions and behaviors. Secondly, she suggested I work together with my wife to put some tools and processes in place as gentle reminders that all was well during the trip – quick text messages and emails from my wife at certain intervals that would demonstrate that everything was ok.

But the most important thing Dr. S taught me was to think of my coping with my wife’s absence as a gift I was giving to her that granted her the space to do a number of things that she enjoyed, like traveling and seeing new cultures, filling her role as a successful business leader, and being able to do these things without constantly thinking about my welfare and state of mind. By using the tools that I was learning, and by communicating clearly and within the boundaries that had been agreed, I could let go of the control aspect and focus on myself, allowing my wife to quite capably take care of herself. When I felt the old behaviors or emotions asserting themselves, rather than giving in to them, I would apply what I had been practicing while understanding that I would be more successful at some points than others, but that I should give myself credit for the work I was doing, and share openly with my wife how things were going. No brave front, no tough guy routine, and no passive-aggressive sniping, either. Just a clear articulation of what it was like for me.

The difference was remarkable. I let myself feel the feelings, I dealt with them, and I let them pass. I received the little status check updates from my wife on my phone and Blackberry while I was sleeping, and let her know how I was doing on the reverse schedule in between the morning (or nightly) phone calls. I was engaged and interested in what she was seeing and doing, without being resentful, or snarky, just like the best of times when we were someplace together.

When I felt myself struggle, I thought of the gift concept, and it reminded me of the importance of what I was doing and the benefit that was received by the person I loved so much. Working on myself became a way to show my love and respect in a manner that didn’t involve trying to assert control or try to ineffectually influence events on the other side of the globe. I concentrated on the one thing I could control, and that was how I was dealing with my anxiety.

When my wife returned from her trip, there was the same elation and reconnecting that usually took place after an absence, not the hurt feelings that could result from my intemperate behavior or her quite normal reaction to me being a control freak. We had worked together as a team, executed our plan, and it went very well. It wasn’t me coping alone. And while I had peaks and valleys, I never felt panic or any sense of being out of control. So a gift to her was also a gift to me.

If you’re an anxiety sufferer, consider the concept of gift giving as you deal with the people you care about, and when you think it would be easy to ignore what you’ve learned or you decide it’s too hard, remember how valuable it would be to give to those most cherished friends and family a gift of your effort and dedication as a way to help ease their burden and suffering too.

Remember, the thing about gifts is that they are better to give than to receive.