It Is What It Is

This may sound completely idiotic coming from an anxiety sufferer, but Murphy’s Law is generally correct. More often than not, things don’t go exactly as planned.

For the anxious control freaks among us, that’s like crack. What better way to get revved up and knee-deep in the drama surrounding something unanticipated than to slap a label on it? If things didn’t turn out like we thought they should, that’s bad. Right?

Or is it?

One of the big challenges I’ve faced over the years has been the struggle to accept things as they are, without assigning a value or judgment to them. Admittedly, that’s a difficult habit to break after 40 years. My natural response to something like stripping a bolt thread or dropping the eggs on the floor has been, “well, that sucks, dammit.” which obviously removes the need for a mind-reader to ascertain what I’m thinking at that moment.

Similarly, whining about how I wished this hadn’t happened, or feeling put upon (this always happens to me at the worst possible time) did nothing to change my situation or act to prevent something from going wrong in the future. The universe doesn’t work that way!

The world is an imperfect place. Screws fall out all the time. Why are we so surprised by this?

If anything, when something goes awry, I should take comfort in the realization that the universe is working exactly as designed. Things are supposed to break down, not work, or turn out poorly now and then. It’s my unrealistic expectation of perfection that’s the problem, not the egg yolks staining my socks.

When I moved into a new job about 18 months ago, it came with a different level of interaction with senior management, one that didn’t always make it easy to be heard or advocate for my programs. After a couple of frustrating weeks of trying to prepare and anticipate where the obstacles would pop up next, I decided to post a handy reminder on the cork board by my Cisco IP phone.

It is what it is.

Sounding like a phrase oft-uttered at the Bada-Bing club by Tony Soprano, it was the perfect cue to draw my focus away from getting caught up in making judgment calls about what was happening, or more importantly, who was causing it to happen. Rather, I began to deal with just the facts of the situation, without worrying if they were good or bad, happy or sad, positive or negative. It all depended on perspective after all – what seemed good to me was bad for someone else, and when we got caught up in trying to convince someone to change their position or outlook, we were missing the main point. It just was – so what do we do next?

Success has been mixed, but it’s important for me to stay engaged and focused, and when events occur, to not lament or wish things are different. They aren’t different. Everything is as it should be.

Image by KaroliK via flickr

Take Responsibility for Your Happiness

In previous postings, I’ve alluded to The Art of Happiness, a tome of collaboration between the Dalai Lama and psychologist Howard C. Cutler, M.D.

The most revealing passage from the book was something Dr. Cutler noted – that in canvassing his colleagues in the psychiatry field, none had ever noted “being happy” as a therapy goal. That seemed telling to me, because once you move away from the tactical treatment of various conditions and issues, shouldn’t being happy be the ultimate goal?

So, if doctors and therapists aren’t putting happiness on your To-Do list, how do you get there? The short answer is to take responsibility for your own happiness. But that seems like a daunting task. How does one go about charting a course to happiness?

Urban Monk has an enlightening piece (pun intended) by guest blogger John J. Patton that examines this very topic. In a section titled A Light Unto Yourself, Patton lays out some very simple and easily managed rules of the road for taking charge of your own happiness. As in most things of a Buddha nature, everything revolves around being accountable and responsible on your own, instead of looking toward outside forces to provide what you are seeking.

Here are a couple that resonated with me:

I value my inner peace more than I do winning, defending my identity, proving my point, or reactively expressing momentary emotions.

I understand that my feelings are natural, and so make no apologies for them.

I make plans for the future, but remain open in order to respond to each moment directly.

I learn from the past, but do not allow it to interfere with the present.

Though I cannot always control my thoughts, I can control which ones I pursue and give energy.

Patton’s list is a must-read for anyone who is ready to take advantage of the massive power that lies within the self. If you haven’t added being happy to your list of goals and objectives, perhaps now is the perfect time. If so, Patton’s piece is an excellent way to kick off your journey.

A Light Unto Yourself / In Case of Emergency , via Urban Monk

Mindful Parenting

Over at his Psychology Today blog, Jonathan Kaplan has quite the essay on how the Buddhist concept of mindfulness can help you be a better parent.

Anyone who has been around small children can tell you that achieving the perfect alignment between what the adult thinks should be happening and what the child wants to happen is nearly impossible. That doesn’t stop a lot of parents from trying to force this convergence via sheer force of will, or failing that, misdirection and/or manipulation. More often than not, frustration sets in for the parent, the child, or both.

In Jonathan’s case, he attempts to get his two year old son to help decide on what he would like on his daycare blanket, but is repeatedly thwarted by his son’s focus on trains, apple juice, and jumping on the bed. Who can blame him? Jumping on the bed is awesome!

Jonathan shares one of his lessons learned:

Fortunately, I learned a few things from this experience. First, parenting can be a quite a fruitful area for informal mindfulness practice. At a conference recently, Jon and Myla Kabat-Zinn described parenting as an “18 year retreat.” They noted how kids “push our buttons”, which can prompt us to react negatively. As Myla stated, “Sometimes, we don’t live love. We live fear and anxiety and the thoughts that take over us.” In this instance, I started to feel anxious about my son’s unhelpful replies and became lost in my own reactions. By seeing this circumstance as problematic and trying to fix it, I unfortunately missed out on some fun play time.

That’s a lightning bolt observation for me – “Sometimes, we don’t live love. We live fear and anxiety and the thoughts that take over us.” Being present, being mindful, especially when it comes to family, was a huge struggle for me, as I detailed in my postings The Struggle To Be Present and Teaching A Kid To Listen .

As I worked through becoming more mindful and present, it was readily apparent that my parenting style was undergoing a tweaking. Rather than becoming frustrated in dealing with my young son, I began to look at things from his perspective more, and the key question I started to ask myself during these sorts of situations was if what I was wanting him to do was important, or if it was only important to me.

More often than not, the latter was true, and that’s just plain silly. As noted in Jonathan’s essay, I was missing out on wide swaths of my child’s experiences because of my narrow focus on achieving the goal at hand. Kids take a very circuitous route through life, much like a butterfly fluttering around a meadow, and that’s part of the beauty of youth. I should encourage that, not restrict it, either knowingly or unconsciously.

Extrapolating that even further, if I was caught in this pattern with parenting, undoubtedly it was applicable in other aspects of my life. So, by practicing mindfulness in all aspects of my day-to-day interactions, I would be appropriately focused. Parenting turned into a daily reminder and exercise.

It’s also a good prompt to see and interact with our kids as they are, not how we want them to be, or how we see them to be. It’s easy to fall into the trap of viewing everything through a parental filter, and then all events and decisions downstream are based on clouded, unrealistic information.

Letting Go of Expectations: A Lesson in Mindful Parenting

What Makes Us Happy?

Joshua Wolf Shenk, writing in the Atlantic, takes a very deep look into 72 years of Harvard research to see if there’s some obvious formula to happiness.

The Harvard study followed 268 men who entered college in the 1930s throughout their education, careers, marriages, family-rearing, and into old age. The collected data gives some keen insight into our perception of happiness and how we tend to form our own particular flavor of happy.

There are several powerful nuggets to be gleaned from Shenk’s essay, and it’s highly entertaining and educational to navigate your way through the mind of psychiatrist George Vaillant, who acted as a sort of curator of these stories for 42 years.

Happiness can be as difficult to define as it is elusive to locate. Some see it as a state of contentment or joy. Others equate being happy with pleasure or satisfaction with the quality and direction of their life. In his book The Art of Happiness, the Dalai Lama noted, “I believe that the very purpose of our life is to seek happiness. That is clear. Whether one believes in religion or not, whether one believes in this religion or that religion, we all are seeking something better in life. So, I think, the very motion of our life is towards happiness.”

Interestingly, the co-author of the Dalai Lama’s book, psychiatrist Howard C. Cutler, MD, noted that in his many years of treating patients for a variety of mental health issues, not once did he or his patients articulate “being happy” as a goal of their therapy or treatment. Cutler’s colleagues similarly had never used happiness as an outcome, focusing rather on correcting troubling behaviors or helping patients develop coping mechanisms to allow them to function better in society. But achieve happiness? Never!

I’ve struggled with allowing myself to feel happiness and joy, my anxiety and fear always sitting on my shoulder, ready to whisper that nothing ever lasts, so if I give in and glee it up, there will be an inevitable hard landing when happiness ends.

But does it end? Ten years ago, my answer would have been yes, of course. My journey has shown me differently, however, especially as I took measure of the role anxiety was playing in both how I defined happiness and what a happiness lifecycle was supposed to be. As usual, anxiety distorted my view significantly because to be happy really is to take things as they are and to cede control, two major obstacles for me, because of the inherent vulnerability that accompanies such emotions and actions.

As Shenk describes in his essay: …positive emotions make us more vulnerable than negative ones. One reason is that they’re future-oriented. Fear and sadness have immediate payoffs—protecting us from attack or attracting resources at times of distress. Gratitude and joy, over time, will yield better health and deeper connections—but in the short term actually put us at risk. That’s because, while negative emotions tend to be insulating, positive emotions expose us to the common elements of rejection and heartbreak.

Who knew that the marketing departments of various state lottery commissions had the answer with their “You’ve gotta play to win!” campaigns?

What Makes Us Happy?

Panic Attacks for Meditation

Here’s an interesting concept – using panic attacks for meditation purposes. Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche discusses the classic Buddhist concept of embracing the feeling, understanding it, letting it pass through you, rather than fighting it. It’s a tall order – becoming friends with your anxiety – but worth the effort.

h/t FullContactEnlightenment.com

Depression Helped by Ancient-Modern Combo

Jonathan Wood, writing in Anxiety Insights, details ongoing research at Oxford University that demonstrates the effectiveness of a treatment regimen that includes ancient meditation techniques combined with modern cognitive behavior therapy.

Everything old is new again!

MBCT, or Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy, was used in a small sample study involving severely depressed patients, some of whom had expressed thoughts of suicide. The therapy included learning about meditation (always helpful), education about depression, and training on what patients could do to help themselves when they start to feel overwhelmed.

The treatment reduced the number of patients with major depression, compared to no change in the control group. Promising stuff!

As we’ve discussed at KnowFear many times, the Buddhist concepts of mindfulness and self-awareness can be powerful tools in the treatment of a number of disorders. Taking the time to examine and understand what’s happening is beneficial in a number of ways, including being an active participant in your treatment rather than acting as a passive patient, waiting to be cured.

Be here now. Be somewhere else later. Is that so hard?

Ancient-modern therapy combo provides hope for severely depressed

East Meets West for PTSD Treatment

Anxiety Insights gives us a look at an interesting challenge faced at Boston Medical Center, where they needed to treat a large number of refugees monks from Tibet who were suffering from PTSD caused by the ongoing religious persecution there.

Doctors realized that there were significant differences in the approaches taken by eastern and western cultures, especially in how they viewed medicine, so the Boston Center for Refugee Health and Human Rights developed an innovative treatment program that leveraged and integrated both approaches.

Of particular interest was the participatory aspect of the treatment regimen, where the monks were able to actively engage in their treatment, rather than the typical structured approach, where the patient simply follows along where the therapist leads. This helped to ensure that any therapy involved did not conflict with religious or spiritual beliefs, which provided for a much smoother and hopefully more effective outcome.

Having used Buddhist learning and practice to compliment my own therapy, I can affirm that combining traditional and non-traditional techniques can certainly benefit the patient, and my own experience of integrating eastern and western methods leads me to be an enthusiastic supporter of this approach.

East meets west: Integrating cross-cultural treatments for PTSD